He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
