The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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