I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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