so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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