just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
