i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
