Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
