I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
