I think my fart just growled at me.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
