I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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