My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
