Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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