I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
