So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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