i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
