The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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