someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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