he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Randomize
