so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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