That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
