You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
