i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
