If that was your dad, he is hot
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
