The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
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Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
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the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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