it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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