Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
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