remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
