My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
