I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
