Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
