fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She even gives head with a lisp.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
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I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
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