so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
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Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
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This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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