3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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