tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
