If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
