Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
That's when you crack a 10am beer
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
