I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
