i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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