you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
