I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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