It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
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Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
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Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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