also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
