Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
