I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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