I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
