3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You should frame my arrest warrant.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
