Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
