I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
