i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
This couple is walking their pig around campus
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
