Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
