But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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