Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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