the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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