im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
