You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
