HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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